I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
