I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
