It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
