We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
