So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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