my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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