Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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