The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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