So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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