Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Acid is not a monday night drug
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I had to cum in my sink.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
