omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize