He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
