Girls should come with a carfax report
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
