I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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