i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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