Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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