She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize