I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize