Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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