My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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