a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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