Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
