My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you win again, gameday.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
