hell yes lets make some ravioli
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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