I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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