i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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