areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
