there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
