Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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