I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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