Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
