weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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