This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
