TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize