i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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