i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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