meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize