he thought i was a dude.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
