I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
