I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
