Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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