I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
