So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
