He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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