last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
