I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
