I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
