I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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