All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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