i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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