I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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