well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
