I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
