I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
