Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize