I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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