made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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