Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
