Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
