Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
