She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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