my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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