I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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