I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
