I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize