the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
