Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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