I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
