i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
