This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
