I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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