I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
