Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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