i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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