the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
