The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
